Adult children often ask me “why” their aging parent is so darn difficult to deal with and is often downright mean. I usually tell them that the “why” is in their parent’s life story.
Adult children usually come to me with the belief they know all about their difficult parent(s) and that they know all their stories. What they often discover is how little they truly know about their parent and they learn some “secrets” that have been hidden for years. Once we begin the process of unraveling the secrets, the “why” usually becomes obvious.
The story below is a combination of conversations I’ve had over the years with various adult children and their aging parents. The names are made up and fictitious.
The story begins with Sarah (fictitious name), a woman in her late 30s, 40s, 50s, or more, who often finds herself wondering why her mother, Helen (fictitious name), behaves in a difficult way and treats her in a demanding, unkind, and hurtful manner. Adult children frequently tell me their parent is a selfish, self-centered, narcissist.
As an adult child facing the complexities of dealing with aging parents, Sarah often finds herself struggling to understand her mother’s difficult behavior and the way she is treated. “Why” is the question I’m asked most often. In an effort to overcome the feelings of “not good enough,” the adult child seeks to at least understand “why” they’re made to feel like they aren’t good enough.
Frustrated by this and determined to unravel the mysteries behind her mother’s actions, Sarah, with the help of a therapist, sets out to engage in a deeply personal and revealing conversation with Helen. When adult children attempt these conversations on their own, without the assistance of a trained professional, they often end in angry yelling, disagreement, and hurt feelings. Everyone’s childhood issues rise to the surface and conflict is unavoidable.
During their conversation, Helen begins to open up about her own upbringing, sharing stories of the challenges and hardships she faced while growing up. Helen talks about her relationship with her own parents and the impact they had on her life, shedding light on the struggles and experiences that have shaped her.
Through this emotional exchange, and with interpretation and reframing by the therapist, Sarah gains a newfound appreciation for the intricacies of her mother’s journey and the underlying motivations that have shaped her actions.
As Sarah listens to her mother’s life story, she gains a deeper understanding of the underlying reasons for her mother’s difficult behavior. This empathetic understanding prompts Sarah to approach her relationship with her mother with a renewed sense of compassion. By learning about Helen’s past, Sarah starts to see her mother in a new light and gains insights into the roots of her actions.
Over time, their bond heals and strengthens as they continue to communicate and connect on a deeper level, bridging the gap that once caused them frustration. They are able to find common ground and understanding, fostering a deeper connection that transcends the former challenges and misunderstandings.
Through delving into her mother’s life story, Sarah not only gains insight into the “why” behind her mother’s difficult behavior but also learns to appreciate and empathize with the complexities of her aging parent’s experiences. As time goes on, Sarah and Helen’s relationship improves as they continue to communicate and understand each other’s perspectives.
By immersing herself in her mother’s life story, Sarah not only gains a profound understanding of the “why” behind her mother’s difficult behavior but also discovers a newfound admiration for the resilience and complexities embedded in her aging parent’s personal narrative.
The following narrative serves as an inspiring example of triumph over real-life challenges. While some stories end on a somber note, many family members find solace and closure by uncovering the reasons behind their parents’ life experiences. This story serves as an example of successfully overcoming real-life struggles. While some stories do not conclude with understanding and healing, many family members find a sense of peace by gaining clarity about their parents’ stories.
[TIP] If you really want to understand “why” they are the way they are and act the way they do, you need to know their story.
The Guardian’s Gift Time Capsule is a unique tool designed to help individuals curate and preserve their life stories. It has been instrumental in facilitating meaningful and therapeutic discussions. Our expert guides are available to assist elderly parents in navigating the process of storytelling and to support adult children in asking insightful questions that can uncover the deeper motivations behind the stories.
I always welcome your feedback and thoughts.
Dr. Judy
