When it comes to estate planning and inheritance, one would think the process would be straightforward: allocate assets, draft a will, and move on. However, the reality is often far more complex and emotionally charged. As a professional guiding families through these discussions, I am continually struck by how frequently the terms “deserve,” “resentment,” and “expectation” emerge in conversations about who inherits what and how much.
I am constantly amazed at how often the word “deserves” comes into the conversation. This has to be the biggest sticky point I encounter for creating family feuds and long-held grudges. On the opposite side of that conversation coin, or maybe even on the same side, is the insertion of one or more family member’s “resentment.” Lest we leave any emotional trigger out of this catfight in a brown paper bag, we must also include “expectation” in the fuel for a family fight.
A recent article in USA Today shed some light on the belief of some family members that they expect and deserve an inheritance simply because they are related. The word resentment crops up frequently amongst family members of the deceased but few are willing to recognize the resentment the deceased held toward those “undeserving” family members because they never visited or called while the person was still living. I often hear the phrase, “If they can’t visit or call while I’m alive, I don’t want them at my funeral pretending they care.”
The Power of “Deserve”
The word “deserve” often crops up in discussions about inheritance, and it’s a major source of conflict. It’s not unusual for family members to feel that they “deserve” more due to their contributions to the family, their relationship with the deceased, or even perceived sacrifices they made. For example, a child who has cared for an aging parent may feel entitled to a larger share of the estate, believing their dedication warrants a greater reward.
However, this concept of deservingness is highly subjective and can vary greatly from person to person. What one family member views as a selfless act, another might see as their duty. This divergence in perception can lead to heated disputes and long-standing grudges, as individuals struggle to reconcile their personal beliefs with the actual distribution of assets.
The Impact of “Resentment”
Resentment is another potent factor in inheritance disputes. This emotion often stems from past grievances or perceived injustices that were never addressed. If a family member has felt overlooked or undervalued throughout their life, these feelings can resurface and amplify during discussions about inheritance.
For instance, a sibling who feels they were always in the shadow of another may harbor deep-seated resentment that becomes magnified when discussing their share of the estate. This resentment can cloud judgment and fuel conflict, making it difficult for family members to engage in rational, empathetic dialogue.
Resentment often lurks within caregiving situations before death where one family member or one family becomes the primary caregiver and others don’t offer help or any assistance citing work, childcare, or physical distance as deterrents. Frequently, there is not even an offer to assist in any way and resentment rears its head long before death arrives.
The Role of “Expectation”
Expectation plays a significant role in inheritance disputes as well. Family members may have certain expectations about how assets will be divided based on past conversations, cultural norms, or assumptions about fairness. When these expectations are not met, it can lead to disappointment and conflict.
For example, if a family member anticipates receiving a specific item or sum based on previous statements or patterns, discovering that the will does not align with these expectations can be jarring. The shock and dismay of unmet expectations often exacerbate existing tensions and can turn an already delicate situation into a full-blown conflict.
Tips and Strategies for Addressing Emotional Triggers
[TIP] First and foremost, I suggest planning ahead and having early discussions with family members. These discussions can be tricky and difficult but truly alleviate tensions and potential feuding later. After the loved one has passed an emotions are elevated inheritance conversations take on a darker and sharper edge.
[TIP] If you need help setting up or hosting this conversation try The Guardian’s Gift resource: “Closer To Closure.” It is a checklist and outline for courses of action with conversation prompts to help people safeguard their time, money, and assets AND protect their family from situations of vulnerability while planning for the future.
Navigating these emotional landmines requires a delicate touch and proactive strategies. Here are some approaches to manage and mitigate the impact of “deserve,” “resentment,” and “expectation” in inheritance discussions:
1. Open Communication: Encourage honest and open dialogue among family members about their feelings and expectations. Clear communication can help address misunderstandings and reduce the potential for resentment and conflict.
2. Involve a Neutral Third Party: Sometimes, having an unbiased mediator or counselor involved can help facilitate discussions and manage emotions more effectively. A third party can provide objective perspectives and help mediate disputes.
3. Set Realistic Expectations: Clearly outline the estate plan and the reasons behind asset distribution decisions. Ensuring that everyone understands the rationale can help manage expectations and reduce surprises.
4. Acknowledge Emotions: Recognize and validate the emotional aspects of inheritance discussions. Addressing feelings of resentment or perceptions of deservingness head-on can help prevent resentment from festering and creating more significant issues.
5. Focus on Fairness: Aim for fairness rather than strict equality. Sometimes, equal division of assets isn’t the most equitable solution. Consider the unique circumstances and contributions of each family member to create a more balanced approach.
Conclusion
Inheritance planning is not just about dividing assets; it’s also about managing the complex web of emotions that comes with it. The words “deserve,” “resentment,” and “expectation” are powerful and can significantly influence family dynamics during this process. By addressing these emotional triggers thoughtfully and proactively, families can navigate the challenges of inheritance planning with greater harmony and understanding, ultimately preserving relationships and honoring the legacy of their loved one.
