Getting an elderly loved one to stop driving is a difficult and emotional process, but sometimes it’s a necessary one to ensure their safety and the safety of others on the road. My personal experience with my 89-year-old mother is proving to be a challenging journey that requires patience, understanding, and creativity.
In this blog post, I’ll share my story and provide some helpful tips and insights for anyone else going through a similar experience. From navigating the legal and logistical hurdles to managing the emotional toll it takes on both the elderly driver and their family members, this post will offer a candid and compassionate perspective on a difficult situation.
Begin The Conversation Early
The conversation with my mother about giving up her car keys and no longer driving has been a years-long dialogue. This conversation began with a diagnosis of Macular Degeneration in both eyes that required medication-filled shots into each eye. I asked the doctor at that moment, (in front of Mom) if this meant she should no longer drive. To my utter shock and amazement, the doctor threw me a curveball and okayed her to continue driving.
The doctor’s assurance did not reduce my concern about Mom’s declining rate of reaction time but did table the conversation for the moment. Let me point out the general difficulty that exists in the adult-child relationship with an aging parent; at best, it’s filled with some tension but for many adult children, it’s a nightmare.
Seek Help From Authority Figures
My and Mom’s relationship is somewhere in the slightly tension-filled but mostly good category. What I’ve learned and know to be true is TIPhaving a difficult conversation like the one about not driving anymore is best done in front of an authority figure or an unbiased third person. However, INSIGHTwithout prior notification to the authority figure about the possibility of a discussion like this, the authority figure might throw you a curve ball.
Listen And Make Room For Their Choices
Mom began reducing her driving of her own choice. Whew, was I ever glad about that decision? She stayed away from the Interstate and limited her driving to more local access and times with less traffic. She confessed her skills were decreasing and she gave up driving after dark.
That’s been the pattern for more than a year. Occasionally we talked about selling her car or what she wanted to happen. Other times she said she knew she might not get her driver’s license the next time it was to be renewed. The point is we had smaller, mini-discussions along this journey.
In the last few months, Mom’s sight has declined even more but the doctor has not offered any thoughts or warnings that it’s time to give up the car keys. INSIGHTThe doctor might not know that she still drives because I’m always with Mom at every office visit. And the doctor talked about how short-staffed they are. I think my concerns about Mom’s driving have not even crossed the doctor’s mind.
Enlist Family Support
The last visit to the eye doctor was a real downer because Mom could not see any details with her left eye. After a few days, Mom went out to drive somewhere and her car battery was dead. She asked several of the men folks in the family about getting it started and thankfully, they all declined to help or suddenly found themselves extremely busy. TIPFamily members who know, understand, and agree with the assessment to give up the car keys are a valuable support system for the adult child (me).
Circumstances and Outside Resources Are Invaluable
TIPSometimes circumstances present themselves in such a way that provides the momentum to launch the inevitable process of making difficult decisions. Use the circumstances! Thanks to Gary Barg and his CareGiver newsletter, he shared a YouTube video where adult children and senior adults talk about giving up their car keys. I played the video for Mom. Here’s the link if you’re interested.
Legal Concerns Are Real
One of the most eye-opening parts of the video was about the liability for a family member who knew their parent should not drive any longer and allowed them to continue driving anyway. A lawyer spoke up and explained how I could get sued if I let my mother continue driving when I knew she really shouldn’t drive any longer.
Be Empathetic And Kind
The video and conversation that followed, ratcheted up the tension category in our house. A word of caution here goes a long way toward easing the fallout. Giving up the car keys is very difficult for everyone. The loss of freedom and mobility for my Mom and other aging parents is another loss in an increasing list of losses that leads to a shrinking world for them. INSIGHTNot only is her world shrinking, but so is mine. As her caregiver, I must drive her where she needs to go or help her with other transportation arrangements.
What Are Your Options?
TIPMake a list of viable options for transportation. Some options for consideration are family members, friends, church members, taxis, buses, medical transport vans, paid caregivers, or Uber. We live in a small town that is more rural suburban-like and so, for us, family members and friends are the only options that will work for our situation. Having a readily available list of trusted options with phone numbers will go a long way to help ease tensions.
It’s All Connected
This issue is an ongoing one. We are taking each day as it comes and working to figure out how to navigate this place in our lives. If you’re anticipating this conversation with a loved one, I hope you find some solace in knowing you aren’t alone. Please don’t think this is a one-and-done type of conversation….it isn’t. Not only is it not a one-and-done, but it links to other difficult conversations about aging and all that accompanies us at this stage of life.
